This is what i listen to when I'm feeling like a wicked vixen:

"Where do we go nobody knows?
I've gotta say I'm on my way down
God give me style and give me grace
God put a smile upon my face
Where do we go to draw the line?
I've gotta say I wasted all your time, (oh honey honey)
Where do I go to fall from grace?
God put a smile upon your face, yeah

Now, when you work it out I'm worse than you
Yeah, when you work it out I wanted to
Now, when you work out where to draw the line
Your guess is as good as mine...."

Coldplay

The reason I love Jared the way that i do is because he gave me the word I needed for my new definition. Yesterday we had lunch and walked around the park and counted the days that had come between us, and talked about some philosophy to back up the things that we wanted to do. Agency, he calls it. So now I'm thinking about agency and prophecy....the tangible actions I can take are stirring up the undercurrents and omens that move my life. I have no fricking clue what is going to happen.....

.....This morning I found myself in the sunshine in Somerville, sliding on some more lip gloss, adjusting the bass in my headphones (more!), and preparing to either flee or stand and face the state I'd put myself in. I am feeling a little terrible, but very agenty. Happy and powerful, even. I can decide what is going to happen.....

Is he still coming? What does that mean? What will I do?

Growing Up

I met S. on my first day as a new teacher. I was already nervous, and the first thing he said to me, looking me dead in the eye and scowling, "I HATE new art teachers." He got in trouble for it, but I pretty much hated him by that point too, and wanted to quit. 

But i stuck around, and I've learned alot since then, mostly because of him. Being a teacher has been the most unexpected, painful, scary, rewarding and utterly fulfilling experience of my life, and S. has been the highlight.  I see so much potential in him. He's such a funny kid, so abrupt and gruff and intelligent, but deep down so sensitive and eager to learn about everything. We wander the halls together and take pictures of stupid things, look up gizmos on the internet, take things apart to see how they work, borrow keys to forgotten storage closets to find out what's been stashed away. We chat about music, and the awkward first crush he has, and make up goofy DJ names for each other. And now this project....the culmination of all his photographs, patched and melded together and splashed with color, made into a living digital mural...it's unbelievable. All the afternoons spent hashing out the intricacies of the scanner and Photoshop, him poking around on the computer, me nearby, perched on a desk, guiding him step by step, laughing at some obscene nonsense joke, it's all come to fruition. I'm so pleased and so proud of him.

I wonder what he'll remember about me in ten years, looking back? Was i a patient teacher? Was i pretty? Did i say "no" too much when he wanted to try something? Did i listen? Was i funny, smart, inspiring? Did I show him something new? Did I let him find out on his own?

Was i a good teacher?

I found out today that he's leaving. I had just walked into his classroom, and there was his worried face fixed on me....i took him out in the hall and he started crying, the poor kid......we both were a mess when he told me that he was going. All i could do was give him a hug, and promise to pick him up to work on some photos after school......then i went downstairs and cried my heart out. I can't believe he's going away. He's growing up.

Announcing...

The Bazillionth Annual

Voices and Visions

The artistic culmination of two months' creative and literary endeavors;

Brought to you by the mad mad skilled students of the Knight Children's Center, a program of the

Home for Little Wanderers

161? S. Huntington Avenue (Across from the VA)

Thursday, May 15 5-8 PM grand reception

Friday May 16 2-4 for all you stragglers.

My friend Jon is in the llivingroom laughing his ass off. He's leaving tomorrow to go to Japan forever, and i might never see him again. My love takes on a new shape, to fit the short time we all have together, and to make the most of it. Soon Jenna and Pearson and Marta and Girl-Ryan and Boy-Ryan and my darlingest Kerri are going to all be in one place, feeling the new beginnings that are happening. I don't really feel sad. We're all still part of the world, and if i've learned anything this week, it's that time and distance cannot come between you and the people in your life who mean the most.

I went looking for Souda and Elise today, the two wise women from my days at Swarovski, to seek guidance and advice. No avail....but i know if i keep my thoughts focused one of them will turn up at the right time. They are tricky like that.

Things i love so far about today:

Feeling afraid and content at the same time

Lilacs in the rain

Rediscovering people

Smiling at strangers just to get them to grin back (good game)

My jeans jacket

The goofy looking guy who works in the local hardware store who sells paint

Imagining walking around with Drew, holding his hand

My friends hanging out in my livingroom

The possiblity of eating the best fricking burgers ever in Harvard Sq.

Knowing I am loved

Possiblity and hope all over the place 

My evil rubber duckie scheme....now that the reflecting pool is full again....bwahaha

Good music in my headphones, thrumming in my head, wrapping myself up in sound.

I'm completely freaked out. I have never been so happy and so afraid at the same time. Just when i've finally found him, there is all this to overcome......

Thank heavens for love and fingerpaint, otherwise the whole world would fall apart.

I love you, Drew.

Sunday morning I'm waking up
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know whose bed I'm in
Where do I start, where do I begin?

K. I have a leetle bit of a hangover, so bear with me.

The wedding was really really nice. But the problem with weddings is that you have to sit around alot and think about forever stuff, and all i could think about, between the drambuie and the champagne and dancing and the middle-aged men giving me flowers and the smooth 26 year-old construction CEO and my own darling Nicodemus, was how I wanted forever to be somewhere else.  But the chicken was damn good, and I got to see the ocean.

Then back to Boston, to see Jon and all the crew at his sendoff shindig. He's leaving for Japan (forever?), so everyone was there. I was still buzzing from the excruciatingly irish coffee the CEO was feeding me before i left, so i had a little strut in my step as i arrived, and it felt beautiful to see all my friends. Everyone was there, happy and vivacious, and by the time i wound my way through the 1am party mob to demand a glass of water in the kitchen, I had hugged and loved at least eight of the people i adore most in the world. Including Jon's sad moon faced girlfriend.....it occurs to me that today i saw the beginnings and ends of love. Which one was which, though?

Ok, that's it. I might be totally wickky from dancing and drinking champagne all night, but I am going out there ASAP even if i have to hop a goddamn plane. I can't bear it anymore, I love him so deeply...... I need to find him. NOW.

Here to there.

I woke up this morning from the most exquisite dream. What I wouldn't give to be able to touch him right now..... after all this time and distance.

*Sigh.*

It's going to be a busy day.

(Friday Night.)

He bit me!! $#@&!! This one needs to be taught a lesson.

okay, this is getting a little ridiculous.

Let me just say that i love meeting new people, and that generally doesn't happen since i'm such a freaking hermit most of the time. But this is a little insane.

This guy i thought was pretty cool back in the school days randomly emailed me; apparently he thought i was something schnazzy way back when, and I'm thinking I might be heading down to one of the JP pubs to hear him sing sometime soon. I think he was on road rules or something, but the thing i always remembered most about him was how sweet he was to everyone.

At the bus stop i met a guy named Simba, who is interning at the VA. He's from jamaica originally, but has been all over the world, and plays music when he's not taking psych classes. He definitely has that mellow island vibe, from his bright smile to his gorgeous dreds.

See? I'm like a people magnet or something. Maybe it's because I smile at them. Dunno.

Oh yeah, and I GOT THE JOB!!! WOOHOOO! But we all knew that was going to happen already.

.....and a commission to draw motorbikes. Gus is too cool.

ok, gotta go wrangle with the dmv and hunt down a wedding gift for tomorrow......