Is it February yet?

Last week, while feeling surly and sad, it occured to me that a big part of my problem was not having a specific positive thing to look forward to and be excited about at the moment. I got surlier when i thought about how really, it's been just about forever since i've been thrilled about something imminent on the level of, oh, say a kid at christmastime. Have I always been so blah? Am substituting trips to Target and pints at Christophers in lieu of true joie de vivre, and slowly frittering away all my life? I think i thrive on pure anticipation- which lies at at the opposite end of the spectrum of my other m.o., gut wrenching anxiety. While anxiety makes me do complex things like procrastinate and lose sleep and accomplish zilch, anticipation gets my energy moving and compells me to do good things and be creative. This might be obvious, but i never really thought about it before.

For instance, the thought of sitting on my new porch with a good book in a comfy chair in a few months, accompanied by the sounds of summertime buzzing around me, has been keeping me very busy and happily distracted. I've been having complicated daydreams about furniture. Right now i'd be hassling the realtor to let me in just so i can lie in the middle of my new livingroom floor or stare at the kitchen some more, because, whooee! soon it will be mine! But instead I've been doing what i've done as long as i can remember, which is stay up late into the night drawing complex illustrations of my desires. i remember learning about how cavemen used to do the same thing, and the shamans would make paintings of their prey on rocks to gain power over the animals they were hunting. I think i have this same instinct when i draw- it's almost as good as possessing something. This all makes lots of sense, since desire and anticipation are a potent formula for making many things : )

This is what i've got so far:

my new bedroom, at present:



and the version in my head:

  

the dining room by daylight:

and in evening, shortly before Matt makes me some dinner!:



my future livingroom, sadly empty:




And the fire-color casbah where my friends and i will hang:

 

one last one; the loft space:

imagined as an art studio / guest room/ retreat:

I found a new apartment today.

But first, a brief story about the past 48 hours of my life, fraught with panic and disorder. When i got home thursday evening I found a note on my door from my landlady, who lives downstairs with her big family. I swear i don't know how they all fit on the first floor in a space smaller than my weenie apartment; there must be eight of them cohabitating. So i went down to talk to her, and she told me that's she's 8 months expecting and they're desperate for space. I guess the closing fell through on the new house they were vying for, and therefore they decided to give me the boot and take over my apartment. Before she pops the new brat out. IN A MONTH.

GAHHHHH

When the initial shock wore off/ i switched to panic/ survival mode and pillaged craigslist for potential ads. At ten pm i was emailing and calling rental offices, and the next morning i printed them all out at work, put them all neatly in a binder with notes on who what when where why, and made followup calls. Organized by neighborhood, i queued up six appointments with agents and landlords, twenty apartments total. First one was a flop this morning, but I had my little listings binder, a bottle of water, pen, checkbook, camera, t-pass, ready to rock. Been rocking some ill apartment prowlage. I am mad efficient.

Further proving that once I've got my ducks in a row, thereby allieving any interruptive feelings of anxiety or doom, I am somehow more receptive to the good things that come my way and everything turns out just beautifully. Omens and stars and perfect apartments galore. Today's good omen came in the shape of a black squirrel I saw out a funny shaped window in a kickass place in malden. I was born in malden, you know.

My realtor this afternoon was a funny old duffer named Jim who reminded me of somebody's kind grandpa, and he'd brought along his fiance Pat since he was taking her out shopping later that day. Awww. I cannot describe how much i loved these funny old people. Jim was utterly guileless and the most charming old man I've ever met, with his dapper trenchcoat and red tie and his grey hair combed to the side; said he could tell that I was a wonderful young lady and the place suited me. Pat conceded and told me that she loved bunny rabbits too, and hoped mine would be happy there. haha.

I agreed with them, and just having spotted the black squirrel from my destined-studio window, I put down a deposit and filled out an application. Keep reading & you'll see why. it's not cheap by any means, but considering the amenities I felt it was super-affordable. I couldn't NOT take it- it would be one thing if it had one or two of the things I desired in a home, it's quite another that it has everything double-plus-good daydreams. I'm trying to resist feeling attached to it because the landlord might arbitrarily reject me....gahhh......but If all goes smoothly (be kind to squirrels this week on my behalf, please) I'll have a new home by february.

---

So here's the lowdown on my new casbah flat:

Second floor with a pretty front stairway papered in vintagey peach flower paper. No, really, it's classy. It has a bigass bedroom with a ginormous walk in closet. Like, you could live in there and never come out and just try on shoes all day. Or have a fashion show for four other people. that big. The whole place has more closets than i can count (at least one for every
room), and a nice new bathroom, too.

It also has a dining room which is painted a pretty
buttercream yellow color with a  "wrought iron" chandelier and sconces.
Faaancy. The livingroom is big, open to the dining room /foyer, has a
bay window, and is painted a warm wine red with white trim. Shexay!
That's the casbah part.

AND THEN there's a finished loft space upstairs for MY ART
STUDIO which is nearly the whole length of the place. I told myself i more than deserve this apartment if i can get some art done up there. I could also put an extra bed up there for my friends to crash. It's got a funny
sideways window that looks out over the park and rooftops. Whenever i look at houses my favorite parts are the funny windows and nooks and crannies, and I always imagine what it's like to look out of them and watch the world go by. Today, out of this funny window, I saw a
black squirrel in a tree outside and took that as a very good omen. And there's
also a creepy storage space under the eaves, and i think that maybe some
goblins live in there. House goblins! eep.      

first, an ode to beauty

This is sitting on my desk maintenant:


A thing of love. Bear with me, my dears, while i have a girly-gasm. Iwent on a Target binge last night, intending only to purchase somebunny food and paper towels [the road to Target is paved with goodintentions, it's just when you get inside that impulse takes over], andtwo hours later walked out with a copy of The Devil Wears Prada andthis lovely thingy-thing. It's sleek, solid, elegant, practical,classic, with just a hint of that beauty-aisle powder scent. Like theway you imagine a 40's era starlet might smell. I can't tell you howlong (years?) I've looked for just such an all-inclusive makeup case.It has all the right colors, even the concealer and powder, and theyall look good on me. And a cute little eyeliner pencil. And adecent-sized mirror. It's called "Breathtaking Brunette." oh, yes....yes I am. Who knew it was possible to adore a makeup case so?  Thankyou Sonia Kashuk. Thank you.

Fact is, I love efficiency almost more than aesthetic- the reason beingthat I'm already  mentally erratic, so i need the mundane things in mylife to be simple andstreamlined as possible. The point is not about being pretty, the pointis economy and good design.Gone are the days of broken lipsticks in thebottom of my bag, orhaving to tolerate rummaging around for my eyeliner, or staring in apowder room mirror and cursing out a pimple, and having no concealerwith which  to conquer it. Banished are all the other the half-assedcheapo cases of assorted purple eyeshadow and pink lipgloss withcracked covers and busted hinges, which i purchased in hopes of compactloveliness, and ended up barely using one color. Glitter lipgloss? Getout of my life.  I have a new cosmetic compadre.

---

second,  an odious disaster

Here is a screenshot of my google homepage:
 


Yesterday I unwittingly clicked on the highlighted article. I'll tellyou right now, since i learned the hard way and there was no warningposted at the time, Don't Go There. Ya, ok, so it said "Accident", andmaybe this makes me stupid or naive, but I expected there to [maybe] besome photos of bashed-in windshields or a flaming truck, along with theusual debunking of strange rumors. Apparently, I was horribly, horriblywrong. I didn't even know Snopes had a "Gruesome" section, since allI've ever used is this little RSS module. Instead, I was treated to a truestory, with actual grisly photos of a crumpled car and smashed skullsand bits of bone and hair and brain strewn everywhere on some concrete.SOMEBODY's BRAIN.Brains belong in skulls, or egyptian mortuary jars at best, but not inmy morning linkies. I mean, omzg, think of the children!!! Butseriously. I am no prude, and am prone to gory fascinations just likeany other human being, but there's definitely a time and a place forit. Nobody likes being ambushed with pictures of entrails at 9am whenthey're trying to enjoy some dunkies.

So, being the busybody that I am, i emailed Snopes.com. Yes, I am that girl. Hey, at least I was polite!


And i got this back today:
I don't think so, David. But nice try. So i shot back:

It must have worked, or at least a few other yentas must have bitchedabout it too, because this afternoon I noticed they'd added a warning.Hah-ha! Annie FTW!

---

Edit: I spoke too soon. Just got a wicked rude email back from The Snopes Dope, as he shall henceforth be called, who apparently needs to work on his reading comprehension. I'm resisting the urde to be aggressive and make David, and the rest of Snopes.com, my personal bitch. As follows:

"The solution I provided you merely entailed clicking the other of two adjacent links, not typing in a URL or "slogging" through a web site. We're not the ones who have an issue with Google -- you are.

- David"

Sorry, snopesdope, but i'm not the one providing links to bashed-up-brains, you are. And as long as that module exists and you have an arrangement with Google, it's YOUR responsibility to make sure that what ends up in that RSS feed is kosher, or at least provide a reasonable warning. So stop being an ass because i don't want to go to your damn homepage, which is beside the point of having an RSS module in the first place. Your solution is crap, and so is your attitude. Bite me.

In other news, i got him to write "slogging", bahaha.

So that crappy day I was having on friday? Believe it or not, Will Smith, of all people, managed to nip that shit in the bud.



Actually, I shouldn't belittle
Will Smith's abilities so. Although he is capable of great and comedic
mainstream cheez, he also stars in one of my favorite obscure films
(with Stockard Channing, Ian Mc Kellen and Donald Sutherland, no less,
and which fostered my budding love for all things Kandinsky), Six Degrees of Separation. It's pretty beautiful,  and further proves that Will is a surprisingly versatile actor; so yeah, see that sometime.



And see Pursuit of Happyness,
especially if you're feeling lazy or craptastic like i have been. I
suck fairly hard at movie reviews so i won't attempt any sort of
exposition; suffice to say for my own reasons I related pretty
powerfully, and literally in places, to Chris Gardner's struggle. I
suppose that's the point, though; anyone who's ever wanted something
that badly can easily empathize with this film. Yet it's never
contrived, or sappy, or condescending. Well crafted and beautifully
acted. You are completely with him the whole time, running all the
time, desperately wanting his dream the whole time- and thereby
connecting it to your struggle in your own reality.You feel you want to
strive by his example, and if you want something badly enough, you will
fulfill it. It's an incredible effect.



Ok, true, I'm generally
suspicious of vaunted egos and themes of manifest destiny (being the
snarkasaurus that i am), but i have to say that even despite my
intolerably cynical bitchiness of late, afterwards i felt truly &
completely energized and hopeful. Made me want to work harder, and quit
whining so much. Made me want to rise above, Fire in the belly,
hal-lay-oooooyah! Made me wake up with a snap the next morning and be
glad for the day's potential. Made me want to get busy and paint,
because as we all know, i already am one of the greatest artists ever
(you know, like kandinsky!), it's just that i have to be a lil more
diligent, and kick a little more ass, and take a few more names before
the world can recognize. Simple.



And here's the kicker: whether
that's true or not it doesn't matter. It's just important, maybe more
important than anything,  to be hopeful and strive for something
better.



And now, we return to our regularly scheduled snarky programming. heehee.

Despite my previous resolution to be kinder to myself, and all those
lofty aspirations in my last post, i am managing to have a shit-tastic
day.

I'm just winding down from a near anxiety attack. I've been trying all
morning to get some brochures and flyers printed for a department
meeting with an important donor, and no matter what i did i was screwed
at every turn.

First our color laser printer broke- BROKE, and a little widget went
flying off one of the important bits on the inside- and i couldn't get
access to any of the others in the building. So i had to use someone
else's computer who did have access- with a lefthanded mouse, for god's
sake. But first i had to convert everything out of my design software
format and into something that could be used on the other computer, which takes an eternity, and
then burn that on cd, which takes another eternity, and run back & forth between two desks and the
printer.

And nothing would work right. Of course.

Meanwhile everyone who was going to this
meeting was breathing down my neck because they wanted to leave
immediately, and i made them all late. Right now, I don't know whether to cry or
throw up.

I feel like i screwed up. Theres at least a dozen things i ought to
have done, and at the very least i should have been more prepared and
organized, or started sooner. Then again, WTF? It's like i was doomed
from the start, and if one crappy thing didn't happen to mess me up
then it would be something else. Like the stapler running out of
staples in the middle of....stapling. Which also happened, goddammit.

At the rate things were going, i wouldn't have been suprised if a horde
of bad design goblins were to attack the printer and make off with an
ink cartridge, and steal all my paper, and switch all the buttons on
the keyboard. It was that ridiculous. Is that kind of insane
circumstance really my fault?

So lately
i'm getting really tired of having to be perfect all the time, which i
totally put on myself and always have. So I effed up. Fine. Whatever.
I'll probably get scolded later, and feel mad and defensive about it
because i'll have already repeated the same lecture in my head, and
then applied it to a dozen other patterns of bad behavior in my life
that i'm already aware of, and utterly beat myself up over the depths
of my utter suckage. Now i'm being a whiner. Why am i so hard on
myself? Why do i feel like i'm a big
farking failure just because i couldn't get a stupid little brochure to
print?

So, that's how my morning has been. I'm spending the afternoon under my desk.

---

Edited to add:

here is my horoscope for the day. Not that my brain can handle decoding
any kind of esoteric prophecy at the moment, but i can see now that i
ought to have expected as much. Great. I'm going back under my desk now.

You may need to make changes in today's plans to accommodate unforeseen
circumstances. Still, you must finish up old business so that you can
move into the next week with a clean slate. You might feel panicked
about [this].

(What the hell is a "doozy" anyways?)

The good thing about this is that I feel significantly more organized
in regards to what i want and need in my life (finally!) and also
significantly more planful in how to go about implementing my
irrepressible genius- all while still leaving room for spontaneity and
self-forgiveness during those times i'm simply being a slacker-ninja.
By no means do i expect to complete everything in a single year; the
resolution here is to brainstorm & get a deez start on my evil
plans while 2007 has
still got it goin' on. I mean, i'm pretty much a superhero and I know i
could finish most of it off if i put my mind to it, but then again my
mind isn't always so cooperative and i don't care to kill myself
trying. Also note i have not accounted for anything in
the romance department, because although romance is nice, artistic
world domination is better. It seems as if, at long last, my lifelong
inner
battle between Random-Creativity and Obsessive-Structure have come to a
stunning compromise. Let's hope this cunning scheme is fruitful.

And if it's not.... eh, fuck it.

So i present to you, in technicolor violet:

---

COMPLETE 4 PROJECTS:

1. Art center proposal for HLW innovations team (due in February)

• Establish a mission/ purpose
• Types of youth served by program
• Visibility & PR functions
• Programmatic features
• Research social/ therapeutic benefits of arts programs
• Research other working models in community
• Research potential grants- both social service & public arts
• Program needs: staff, supplies, space
• Input from HLW staff involved in kid-arts
• Input from other community arts programs & contacts

2. Start a foodie / alt-homemaker weblog- “The Urban Sherpa”

• Enlist Ryan & Kerri’s help
• Develop a set of features to post about:
• Monthly get-togethers
• Artist interviews (marta fodor, jenna waldman, egg-a-go-go, ruthless-toothless, marty allen, via audio)
• Housekeeping hints a la Real Simple
• Recipes- fun quick easy different 
• Style 
• Articles on urban observations
• Seen in/ at; ikea, magazines, catalogs, target, the dollar store, boutiques
• Craft-gasmic projects
• Karma boosters
• Wanted objects
• Photo challenges
• Restaurant, film & book reviews
• Daily doodles
• Useless information

3. Work on story-telling:

• Novel: The Hula Hoop Mary
• Illustration: Oxymephorous and the book of xanadu
• Graffiti: The Urban Youth Tarot

4. Create & publicly unveil a congruous body of artwork

• Draw something every day.
• Set up a studio space in back hall and allot special time to work there.
• Complete at least one landscape painting, on canvas or board, per month
• Complete at least 5 watercolor or pastel landscape / studies each month
•  Take photographs of trees- for collage & reference- whenever possible
• Work on a photography series
• Compile a scrapbook of influences & inspirations
• Post to portfolio website

HAVE 4 EXPERIENCES:

5. Acquire more design skills

• Learn Flash, complete 1 animation, and post on Newgrounds.com
• Take an Adobe In-Design class through HLW
• Develop & post a website

6. Begin working towards Master’s degree

• Obtain MassArt transcripts
• Investigate grants, scholarships and federal loans
• Put together a portfolio
• Go to an open house
• Work on application & essay for Lesley U.

7. Take a trip somewhere

• In an airplane. Flying is fun!
• Get a passport.
• Cash in credit card points towards a weekend in NYC prowling the Met.
• Make a pilgrimage to the desert, one way or another.
• See a volcano, an island, or a town where a different language is spoken.

8. Learn stuff:

• ….To drive, & get license
• ….To speak another language, such as portugese or arabic
• ….To salsa dance, or get better at faking it.

IMPROVE 4 THINGS:

9. Spend more time with friends

• Call or email Kerri at least once a week!
• Hang out with Ryan at least once a month!
• Go out and have a beer or see a show with Josh at least biweekly!
• Call or email Jasmine at least once a month!
• Host a dinner get-together shebang at home once a month & invite everyone and their friends. (see #2, “entertaining”)

10. Improve mental health

• Beyond a wholesome discipline, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
• Make an appointment with a therapist, and see said therapist regularly.
• Set aside Sunday mornings as Sacred personal time
• Learn to meditate properly
• Practice tai-chi at least once a week (see Sunday morning).

11. Improve physical health

• Make a dental appointment, & follow through
• Make a doctor’s appointment, & follow through
• Make a gyno appointment, & follow through
• Make an appointment to see a nutritionist, & follow through (see #2, “foodie”)
• Eat better; pack snacks for work & try to eat a small meal every 4 hours
• Ride a bike regularly in warm weather.
• Dance at least once a week (See #2 and #4).

12. Develop organization and financial discipline

• Develop a weekly and monthly spending budget, and stick to it
• Develop a plan to consolidate & pay off debts
• Set up auto-pay and account schedules for bills
• Create a desire journal (see #2: “Seen at” & “Wanted objects”)
• Quell indulgent impulses.