January 5, 2007

• Despite my previous resolution to be kinder to myself, and all those
  lofty aspirations in my last post, i am managing to have a shit-tastic
  day.

  I’m just winding down from a near anxiety attack. I’ve been trying all
  morning to get some brochures and flyers printed for a department
  meeting with an important donor, and no matter what i did i was screwed
  at every turn.

  First our color laser printer broke- BROKE, and a little widget went
  flying off one of the important bits on the inside- and i couldn’t get
  access to any of the others in the building. So i had to use someone
  else’s computer who did have access- with a lefthanded mouse, for god’s
  sake. But first i had to convert everything out of my design software
  format and into something that could be used on the other computer, which takes an eternity, and
  then burn that on cd, which takes another eternity, and run back & forth between two desks and the
  printer.

  And nothing would work right. Of course.

  Meanwhile everyone who was going to this
  meeting was breathing down my neck because they wanted to leave
  immediately, and i made them all late. Right now, I don’t know whether to cry or
  throw up.

  I feel like i screwed up. Theres at least a dozen things i ought to
  have done, and at the very least i should have been more prepared and
  organized, or started sooner. Then again, WTF? It’s like i was doomed
  from the start, and if one crappy thing didn’t happen to mess me up
  then it would be something else. Like the stapler running out of
  staples in the middle of….stapling. Which also happened, goddammit.

  At the rate things were going, i wouldn’t have been suprised if a horde
  of bad design goblins were to attack the printer and make off with an
  ink cartridge, and steal all my paper, and switch all the buttons on
  the keyboard. It was that ridiculous. Is that kind of insane
  circumstance really my fault?

  So lately
  i’m getting really tired of having to be perfect all the time, which i
  totally put on myself and always have. So I effed up. Fine. Whatever.
  I’ll probably get scolded later, and feel mad and defensive about it
  because i’ll have already repeated the same lecture in my head, and
  then applied it to a dozen other patterns of bad behavior in my life
  that i’m already aware of, and utterly beat myself up over the depths
  of my utter suckage. Now i’m being a whiner. Why am i so hard on
  myself? Why do i feel like i’m a big
  farking failure just because i couldn’t get a stupid little brochure to
  print?

  So, that’s how my morning has been. I’m spending the afternoon under my desk.

  ---

  Edited to add:

  here is my horoscope for the day. Not that my brain can handle decoding
  any kind of esoteric prophecy at the moment, but i can see now that i
  ought to have expected as much. Great. I’m going back under my desk now.

  You may need to make changes in today’s plans to accommodate unforeseen
  circumstances. Still, you must finish up old business so that you can
  move into the next week with a clean slate. You might feel panicked
  about [this].

  • 1:37 pm
  • 3 Comments