June 9, 2004

• Bwahahah! I scored free tickets to the Boston Pops for tonight, we’re up on the swanktastic balcony. Personally, I plan on throwing spitballs at the back of Keith Lockhart’s head. Gotta have stealth.
  

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   The 2004 Darwin Award Nominees!!

  
  

  THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS
  
  Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual
  honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
  killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s
  winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
  over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
  
  And the nominees this year in reverse order are…..
  
  7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
  because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
  milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
  into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
  his house down, killing both him and his sister.
  
  6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
  of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6′ 2″ tall and
  weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
  white saddle shoes and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to
  create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
  mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
  its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons
  unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of
  explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
  (Damn it…I want pictures!!!)
  
  5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
  when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
  occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
  crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants
  around their ankles.
  
  4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
  tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
  trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
  taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
  anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
  hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
  investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
  “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance
  between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the
  apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”
  
  3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
  friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
  The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
  
  2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
  of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
  extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
  After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
  company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
  difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
  lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
  technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
  resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
  object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
  three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
  was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
  causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.
  
  …AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD (SHOULD BE….)
  
  Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
  tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course.
  Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
  managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
  machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
  spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus
  wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
  his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
  Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
  foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
  and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open
  during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
  remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
  flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
  rotating machinary inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
  $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using
  to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and
  the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
  NOTE: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t
  die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
  of stupidity, we have allowed it

  • 7:39 am
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