June 1, 2004
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Ex.
I’ve been thinking lately. You know, sitting on the front stoop and waxing philosophical on stuff, like love and experience and regrets. Watching cars go by, poking at ants, humming to myself sort of thing.
Specifically, there are these two chicks which I rather admire, both being kinda mouthy and fierce and brilliant, one like a sister and the other pretty much a stranger, and regular xangans to boot (go find them yourself!). They both have a tendency to get me thinking. At the moment they’re on opposite ends of the romance spectrum, one chronically broken-hearted, and the other steadily in love. Where it gets curiouser and curiouser is how they’re all inexorably tangled up in my own mess of regrets and experiences, because the degrees of separation in this case are not so few and far between. Is that plenty cryptic enough?
We fell for the same guys at one point or another, basically.
Ex- girlfriend awkwardness and malingering hostilities aside, it’s a funny thing to hear your own love story reinterpreted. I suppose we’re all instinctively territorial about our foothold in a person’s heart, and like to believe that whatever it was, it was a worthy, one-of-a-kind experience. To hear it slighted or downplayed is not a happy feeling.
I guess it makes me think about regret. My heartbroken sister-xangan and I had a long conversation about this the other night, clearing away the sadness and anger and jealousy, and getting down to forgiveness. I mean, we totally made fun of his dorky underwear and stupid jokes and all the times we basically wanted to kick each other’s asses- but we dealt with it, because it needed to be done. Some pretty heavy, nasty, regretful sludge got hauled out, acknowledged, and put in its place. We both had a worthwhile experience, for all the pain and sadness, it got us where we are now. We’re both still stupidly heartfelt about him, but all in all, I think things worked out rather well.
I was thinking about this around a year ago- after my philosopher flaked on me, and the guy from colorado never turned up at my doorstep, and a seemingly bajillion other dumb boys couldn’t get their act together or decided to be in love with someone else or just plain shut me out, and I myself had run away from the most profound love of my life after seven years of holding on- and I decided that I have no regrets. Nope. Not allowed. The thing is, to me, it has nothing to do with forgiveness, but in accepting things as they are, as important experiences. It sucked sometimes, yeah. It was great, too. These are things that got me where I am, and where i was a year ago, sitting on the stoop thinking about how love has made me who I am. Made me ready. Waiting for something good to happen.
And that’s about when Bryon pulled up in front of my house, with a carful of my pals, and introduced himself to me.
Comments (3)
If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t read your blog! The thing I was referring to in that particular part of my post was mostly on my side…I’ve dated a lot of people that I lost repsect for, either gradually or in one fell swoop, and didn’t break up with quickly enough. So I feel like an ass for spending time in these relationships over the years and coming out on the other end feeling blank and empty about most of them, and wanting to move on as quickly as possible. Some people call that “being a heartless bitch.” They may be right.
When I look at other relationships I’ve had, they just don’t have anything to do with the one I’m in now. That’s how I look at Jared’s past, too. We’re in love, and neither of us was ever in love before. I’ve told other guys I loved them and known in my heart it wasn’t true, and now I’m annoyed that I did that…in a way I wish I could have ‘saved’ it like some girls save their virginity, for the ‘right’ guy. You know? I wouldn’t really care if Jared had dated a thousand girls before me, because what happened before me has nothing to do with me. However, my own past tends to haunt, anger, and embarrass me, and sometimes I project those feelings far beyond myself, and onto everyone around me. I blame my ovaries and my violent upbringing
I recently got an email from my ‘major’ ex, who I dated right before Jared…he said he loved me and he was so sorry about how he treated me, etc. It made me angry that he was trying to come back into my life and invoke some emotional response in me, after treating me horribly during the year we dated, and after I’d totally moved on from all of it. I wrote back and told him I didn’t really want to hear it, and then I felt guilty. It wasn’t the first time I got an email like that from someone, and I wish I wasn’t so harsh in my dealings with exes, but I am. So that’s basically what I meant.
I’m interested to know if any of this makes sense, or if it’s relatable. Obviously I am in super-contemplative mode lately.
Well there you go, I was about to say when you stop looking is when it finds you, but you already know.
Pu! Pu! You are still alive and typing! It’s good to read you’re doing well and continuing to express yourself in various ways. Tell that Kerri girl I said hi. I have late gifts to send you both, likely next week, from Tokyo. Before I mail them, let me know if there’s anything else you’d like from the land of the rising sun! I miss hanging out with you and all my friends from the States. It’s good to know you’re interested in traveling though. Get out of Boston and go see something new! And by the way, Bryon’s a lucky boy, I hope he knows this!