June 2, 2003

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  I am feeling homesick.

  
  

  I woke up yesterday morning in my room in Orleans, with he view of the woods and the honeysuckle outside of my window. I was sleeping completely askew in my wide four poster bed, the morning walls illuminated by the nightlight i still kept there. I had  not slept in that place since last summer…….now it is empty and it misses me, too.

  
  

  My father and Kerri and I loitered at the Binnacle the night before, drinking beer and noshing on pizza until only the late late townies and the young native waitstaff were lingering. Patty the bartender put on disco to rile us into leaving, but we all stayed, chatting with strangers and sneering at the offcape interlopers stationed stiffly with their froofy drinks across the way.

  
  

  You see, the Binnacle has the best pizza Upcape, so it attracts all sorts. It’s my favorite dive anywhere. Most summer people wear fleece sweatshirts and sandals, august evening style, and if the day is late enough we roll in from the sand and the sea looking bronzed and sleepy and wait on the pew or by the bar to get a taste, marveling at the paraphernalia and junk mishmashed everywhere. How many parrots are there? Parts of churches and rummage sales and pier garbage…..The place is askew, like i am. I like the booth in the corner by the bar, with the painting of the whale. I always get the Arbor Delight for dessert.

  
  

  I don’t remember what we talked about or what we had to drink, but I know it felt right to be back home with my two favorite people within a hundred miles, tucked into a corner with all the townies around. We unraveled the mysteries of life, moaned about our unrequited stuff, and threw goldfish crackers at unsuspecting victims. Then i wanted my bed and i declared it was time to head out into the rain and the salt and the mist…I got the keys to the jeep and lead the way through the cape cod darkness. The shadows of the locust trees lead me home.

  
  

  At the house we found distinguishing door keys difficult, and as i was bending over to fumble around in the porch light, the damn things fell down between the boards….i nearly peed myself laughing, all of us in the drizzle and the ocean dampness, half crocked and sleepy and silly. We scampered around looking for a way to crawl under the deck, dreading the spiderwebs and the mildew and who knows what lurking under there…I finally managed to wriggle into a hole, and reemerged covered in cobwebs and muck, triumphantly bearing the key home. We tumbled into the house light, and tucked ourselves in to sleep.

  
  

  It feels like loneliness, and it feels like love. It’s not the same, every year that goes by…I belong to that house, but it fades from me. At least i can still hang with my dad at the Binnacle. I want to go home.

  • 11:47 pm
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