January 15, 2007

• Is it February yet?

  Last week, while feeling surly and sad, it occured to me that a big part of my problem was not having a specific positive thing to look forward to and be excited about at the moment. I got surlier when i thought about how really, it's been just about forever since i've been thrilled about something imminent on the level of, oh, say a kid at christmastime. Have I always been so blah? Am substituting trips to Target and pints at Christophers in lieu of true joie de vivre, and slowly frittering away all my life? I think i thrive on pure anticipation- which lies at at the opposite end of the spectrum of my other m.o., gut wrenching anxiety. While anxiety makes me do complex things like procrastinate and lose sleep and accomplish zilch, anticipation gets my energy moving and compells me to do good things and be creative. This might be obvious, but i never really thought about it before.
  
  For instance, the thought of sitting on my new porch with a good book in a comfy chair in a few months, accompanied by the sounds of summertime buzzing around me, has been keeping me very busy and happily distracted. I've been having complicated daydreams about furniture. Right now i'd be hassling the realtor to let me in just so i can lie in the middle of my new livingroom floor or stare at the kitchen some more, because, whooee! soon it will be mine! But instead I've been doing what i've done as long as i can remember, which is stay up late into the night drawing complex illustrations of my desires. i remember learning about how cavemen used to do the same thing, and the shamans would make paintings of their prey on rocks to gain power over the animals they were hunting. I think i have this same instinct when i draw- it's almost as good as possessing something. This all makes lots of sense, since desire and anticipation are a potent formula for making many things : )
  
  This is what i've got so far:
  
  my new bedroom, at present:
  
  
  
  and the version in my head:
  
    

  the dining room by daylight:

  
  
  and in evening, shortly before Matt makes me some dinner!:
  
  
  
  my future livingroom, sadly empty:
  
  
  
  
  And the fire-color casbah where my friends and i will hang:
  
   
  
  one last one; the loft space:

  

  imagined as an art studio / guest room/ retreat:
  
  

  • 2:38 pm
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