July 28, 2006
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I was sitting at my desk a few moments ago, pretending to do some paperwork while my brain was off on another flight of fancy. I don't remember exactly what i was thinking about, although it was most likely along the larger lines of my life in general and the characters in it. There was probably some art in there too, since I've been doodling in the margins of my desk calendar all day. All of a sudden I missed my dad really bad, because we used to email back and forth about this kinda stuff all day long; and for a little while we'd make our escape together from our separate sucky offices into subjects like art, going for rides in the jeep, or just what the soup on the menu was that day. I guess we can't do that anymore.
He's gone. Like, really really gone. It's like I just realized that all over again.
I went to the bathroom to calm myself down and conceal the fact that i was a little overcome; and then I returned to my desk and had a sip of my coffee.
"Boy, I miss the way that tastes, scootch.... you know, that's the stuff you really remember." I can almost hear him now, like he was here in the present with me; the way he'd say it wistfully, with his crooked grin, as if Dunkies was the whole of what made life worth living. And then he'd tell me not to worry so much, to do just one thing at a time, to enjoy the small things that came along. He was so very good at reminding me of that.
I don't know why these things come on me so suddenly, as if the whole of grief rolls over me in a big, gorgeous wave and then is gone again. My only guess is that the human heart is never constant. I'm not into self-pity. I know from experience that life is too short for that kind of business. I've already endured the loss of three deeply beloved people this year alone: one that never was, one that will come back someday, and one that's gone for at least this lifetime. So yes, I grieve.... but in a much bigger way, I still remember a great deal of what makes life worth living.
Comments (4)
You're too smart for me to even try to give advice too. And I know how you feel sometimes. Like now. Fill your cup back up.
I've never lost a parent, but I've lost a few close to me over the years. there's one in particular, I still feel his loss, it will be a year soon. it's just this craving, I don't want him to be gone. I have a tattoo for him. sometimes I'll just touch it, and wish... it's hasn't gotten better yet. I know it might not.
It was like that with my dad... every now and then some little reminder would trigger that feeling of a totality and it is overwhelming. I think you're right that life it too short to be consumed by it... I think we do better by them not to.
Oh Ann... cyberhugs are all I can offer from here... Your dad was such a wonderful person... I can't even believe it... Now I'm crying!
I'm still not over my grandfather dying back in 7th grade... the teachers were all such jerks about me going away for a week and my mom was just being her cold, heartless self, it was like I was the only one who cared... a couple months ago was the first time my mom and I talked about it at all... she's not so heartless after all, she's just hiding it like everybody does... it doesn't stop hurting, it just consumes you less and less often... I didn't even know she hurt until this year.
Oh Ann...
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