So. Hear me roar, and stuff.

So, today is the anniversary of The Great Escape. A day of reckoning, if you will. A year ago today, my best girlfriends swooped down on me, packed up all my shit, and threw all of it and me into the back of a car. We got our hair done, as I recall, and I was taken out to dinner and consoled over my heartache. i ended up on a couch, thrilled and hurt and completely disoriented, and all i had to my name was a suitcase and some leftover cheesecake, in a fridge that wasn't even mine. Looking back, it was exactly what i needed- at not really exactly the right time. But it was good. And only one of many drastic adventures I was about to have.

I don't even really know how to give a proper synopsis. i certainly haven't been able to properly write about any of it, since I've never felt like i could get a handle on all the crazyness. There was too much happening all at once, and no words to describe how I felt- I can only say that despite the days blurring one into another in my deepest depression, I still can acutely remember crystal clear, poignant moments which made it all worth enduring. But then again, that just sounds dumb and angsty-poetic, and makes me want to scrap the whole thing. I'd rather be silent than false.

For a while last autumn I was fairly bereft- living on my friend's couch, having no internet, no phone, no love, no spirit enough to scrabble my life back together and fix what went wrong. I flew to Ohio, randomly, to see about falling in love with somebody. Ohio is beautiful, but it couldn't mend my broken heart. I drew lots of pictures on small pieces of white paper. They were maddeningly intricate. I had a wasteful affair with someone who took me out dancing every night but leeched away what little love and money and self-respect I had left. I thought about getting a job as an exotic dancer. I marveled at how far I'd wandered astray from my old life. I was homesick.  I realized he really didn't care about me anymore. I stayed out till dawn for a week straight. I flirted maliciously. I wore a green wool jacket. I cried on veteran's day, watching the old men and children prance in the town center. I stopped and watched a whirlwind of yellow leaves spin around me in the sunshine. I sat at the bus stop and wished for somebody to hold me and comfort me. I got a little lost.

I met Tristen. We waited for the bus, and found friendship on the way home together. Something blossomed just as winter blew in.

Later, in colder days, i found a new place to live with some awful, nasty, bitter people. I learned a lot about awful, nasty bitter kinds of people. I got really angry, moire furious than I have ever been, and finally stuck up for myself. I was absolutely ferocious. I decided not to be a doormat and not to let anyone hurt me anymore, and I expelled every horrible individual from my life. Among these losers: the shitty, mean, f'd up roommates, Tristen's harpy-bitch mother, and the cracked-out leech of an asshole I was dating. Instead, I took everything back that my heart had always wanted. I found a little job in a tea shop that had been my snow and coppershine sanctuary, I taught little kids how to fingerpaint, I settled in a new home in Somerville, and accepted and let go of all the things that had happened. I like to think that I did my best to learn from those experiences. I got my roots back. I spread my wings again. And I told Tristen that I loved him.

Spring was good. Spring was also difficult. We never had very much money, because circumstances made it hard for us to earn enough. But we did have money for mashed potatoes and frozen pizza, and when I came home he lit candles and made me bubblebaths. We talked till all hours and took ourselves out to breakfast. Long walks in the city, long days at the cafe, long shadows in the afternoons. Every day he made me feel beautiful, and I laughed at his jokes. Some days we fought like demons on fire, there never was such an outpouring of wrath and brutal honesty and bursting emotion, enough to make the walls rattle. And then the love came seeping back in, and there it all was after the fire passed and the healing was done, just myself and the person I loved. He knew me better than anyone. I had never, ever, slept so well at night.

I lost some things. I lost my home on the cape. I lost my grandmother. I lost an almost-but-never daughter. I lost some weight. I lost Tristen for a little bit. I lost a couple nice dishes. I lost the summer. I lost the desire to work in the cafe anymore. And I thought, while these things are all leaving, why don't i just lose some of that old, lingering fear while I'm at it?

Today, at this moment, my reckon-versary is almost over.  Over and over again i marvel at how different I am, how much has changed since then, and how much I have been through. It makes me tired. Tired and really and truly happy, in a way.  Because for all that it abso-farking-lutely sucked at times, I really enjoyed everything, and am thankful for the whole crazy experience. So thanks, B, for dumping my ass a year ago. I still think you're a big heartless jerk, but you got me started on this great adventure. Kudos to you, and to everyone who has helped me along the way.  I started a new job today, a first step in doing something that I deeply feel is my gift and my calling. I kicked some ass all around, which is something i would have wussed out on before. And I got a love letter in the mail. Inside there was an exquisitely folded origami paper ring, and a message telling me I was loved and wanted. Solidad, my love. I'd like to spend my life with him, when he finally comes home. But in the meantime, there is so much left for me to experience. i mean, look at how far I have come, in just one year! Tomorrow is going to be gorgeous, i can just feel it....

Today, i am golden.

I am watching Breakfast At Tiffany's in my room. Yes, yes, i am a very stylish girl.  I am also somewhat tipsy, off of half a bottle of warmed spiced tawny port. The good thing about all this is I don't think diamonds are really all that suitable for me, at least not until i'm over forty, but I do approve of engraved cracker-jack rings. The other good thing is that I'm no longer a tea maven, and have decided to go and save the world for a little bit.  Other things about me: I visit the prison every week to give the weather report (it's absolutely sweet, all the women who get dressed up to go there...you'd think it was ice cream, and not jail) and I named my pet guinea pig after my favorite movie star. What have you done today?