Month: October 2003
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Thief!
....further proof that you should kiss him before you try to grab his wank.
This one's for you, K-Snatch.
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Wheeee....
For someone who was up all night being cranky, I feel pretty pert this afternoon.
I need an adventure. Gotta make the most of this lovely day. Something other than conquering the relentless scourge that is the clothes-pile monster. Maybe I should put on my sassy boots and lope around the city for a bit, shine foxy like it's my hobby, or kill off an hour doodling in the park. I think it's probably been weeks since I left the tiny vicinity of my trendy little 'hood. I need something sunshiney to do, outside and away..... I gots antz in mah pantz! Or maybe I should not have any more coffee.
God, I'm starting to annoy myself.
Hm.
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Rabid Armadillos
I am feeling very crotchety and snarlsome. Schnerkit.
It is 4am. I cannot sleep, because my neighbors have installed a demonic cider press in my basement. Is that even legal?? It keeps going on and off, and on and off, and on and off, and I was lying there in bed for at least an hour just now concocting evil hate mail to put in their mailbox. It sounds like rabid armadillos slowly devouring a rusty mexican box truck full of tin cans and refrigerator parts. And I think it's right underneath my bedroom, rattling away at this god-forsaken hour.
The worst part is, I would just put on my slippers and angrily totter down there to unplug the damn thing myself, but that means I have to go outside, yank open the storm door, and face the yawning black maw of the cellar stairs. And lord knows what evil lies in those shadows, that I cannot see or hear.
God f**k a duck. Goddamn cider monster fricking press. I just want to sleep. Bastards. Rrrrr.
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Revelator
Today I found myself telling people about New Mexico. I feel like I've kept my wanderlust hidden away from everything for as long as I can recall, and even possibly from myself; when the idea vocalized itself and fell out of my mouth, I was almost suprised at the taste of it.
I don't quite know where or when it began. I used to draw pictures of red-orange canyons and mesas when I was younger, and the landscapes must have grown from there in my mind. And then I was there, standing in the shadow of the rocks, and I filled my papers with stories about my rambles there, in that place I had dreamed from nothing. I found a secret name there, and made up people I might know, and imagined someone I might love. And on days I felt like it could never be real I remember the worst heartache, worse than being alone, worse than being lost.
I made a lover’s prayer
Then watched the sky
Then wanted to cry
S’ only you and I
And how I try
I made a lover’s prayer...
Help me rise above
What I’m thinking of
Just a little more love
I made a lover’s prayer
Whenever I listen to Gillian Welch I think about the dreams I have, of the eroded sand banks clung with wiry sage, and the blue chiaroscuro mountains holding up the clearest skies I've known. There is a rolling sound there, like a thought that spreads itself in the dust, and winds itself around the curves and the valleys..... I want to set my feet in the earth and feel the sun on my skin again. It's the deepest lust I've ever known.
It follows me around every day, and the vision wraps itself around me when I feel the farthest away. This morning was clear and damp and cold, 8am on a brisk october day, and as I was walking down the street It touched me again, trying to be something real. So i found myself talking about it later, as if I were trying to make it real by putting it into someone else's mind, and promising reality I could make it happen.
Another day gone, another day nearer. Pack up my things, and head west. It will emerge.
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Robots!
Today the kiddoes played mad-scientist and invented themselves an army of fearsome cardboard and tinfoil robots. We practiced our maniacal laughter to get warmed up, and my assistant was dubbed the official classroom "Igor". We then proceeded to furiously glue bits of plastic things to other doodads, and assembled all the pieces of our new machines. My personal favorite was Rockko, the googly-eyed wonder-bot, who not only plays video games, but delivers the pizza and handles his eight year old master's narsty math homework. We also decided that the robots were going to throw a party after school when no one was around, the festivities including rummaging through the prize boxes, ordering chinese food, eating all the crayons, and listening to Little Romeo at full volume. I didn't know cardboard robots liked chinese food, but even art teachers learn new things, i suppose.
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Self Loathing (or, berating myself for being a dumbass)
I woke up this morning feeling generally sad and inept. I hate doing things half assed, and the past few days have been like a marathon where half my bum is on fire and my shoelaces are tied together.
What??
I mean, okay, I was supposed to go to the doctor to get my schiznit handled. In August I had schlepped all the way out to my hometown to the clinic to get poked and prodded, and then told them to arrange things for me in October. So october arrived, and i didn't hear a peep from them. Granted, I could be a responsible dooby and keep my stuff organizized, but i didn't think of it. So i didn't call the hospital, the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, and a whole bunch of other people, and arrange for a pre-operation "interview", which means i couldn't go in for surgery, either. I've never had surgery before, I don't know how this falderal works!! I have to fill out what forms? Call who?? Argh!!
And I'd already withheld two days of fingerpaint glory, and taken time off from school.
So nobody called my surgeon to tell her I was AWOL either, and when i called on Monday to reschedule, I got a royal earful from all those concerned. Well fine, f#%k you too, I didn't want you messin' with me anyway. Jerks.
But I felt bad, like some stupid irresponsible little girl.
So i bummed around for a few days, wallowing in my little puddle of self-loathing, snarling to myself about my general ineptitude. Like how I'm never at home to do chores. And I owe people money. And I ought to make more posters for the art room like i said I would. And I never chill out with my friends, or call people back. And I haven't bought groceries in weeks. And i never make artwork. Or see my family. Or talk to Bryon when he asks what I'm thinking, with that cute furrowy disconcerted look in his eyes.
Sigh.
Heh heh, maybe I should make my blog all black with an illegible font and goth the whole shebang out with blurry photographs and endless paragraphs about how "...nobody loves me and everything is so fricking bleak, woe, woe" and some baaaad poetry about getting dumped and loop an Evanescence song clip over and over just to be all doomed and angsty.
Nah, but I already feel better about myself.
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Ass Mart
It was raining today, so I spent most of the morning holed up in my house, digging through the clothes-pile monster and lamenting the lack of milk for my cereal. I was feeling pretty half assed and bored and lonely by one o'clock, so I decided to get gussied up and see about some lunch. So despite all the drizzle, I hopped on the bus and headed for the fens.
Sometimes I have solitary days where I just wander around and hang out with myself, and I noticed that I haven't done that very much lately. When I was pseudo-single this past spring I walked around alot at night with my headphones on, or drew in my sketchbook, or took myself out to brunch and read books in the park. I didn't really talk to anyone, just wandered around with my own thoughts happening in my head. I miss that sometimes.
So i got off the bus and tramped across the park, and got my sneakers wet chasing a terrified flock of sparrows across the grass. It felt really good to be silly and mischievious for no reason.
I met Bry and we had food, and then i followed him to school, to the studios where i used to spend all my days. I sat on the windowsill ten stories up and watched the city like i once did, and daydreamed about how strange it was to be here again years later, and everything that is the same, and everything that is different now.
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