October 19, 2003

• Thermostat

  
  

  My house was really really cold this morning. because it is a gronk-ass putrid grey day, and I couldn’t figure out how to make the heat work.

  
  

  So picture this. I was sitting here in front of the computer with my toes curled on the warm CPU, with a cup of scalding hot chocolate, shivering in my two pairs of socks with my hoodie up over my pigtails, and an equally miserable quivering guinea pig on my lap. I made a feeble attempt to wiggle the thermostat around, and then decided to turn on the oven and camp out in front of it for a few minutes. Since we have gas heat, I knew I hadn’t been cut off since I pay my bills, and anyway the oven was working adequately. It crossed my mind that something might be broken, or perhaps clogged. Do those things get clogged?? I pictured the fat mouse who lives under my refrigerator wandering around in the pipes. Maybe that’s what that god-awful clanking and grinding and screeching was down below at 4am the other night (rabid armadillos and the rusty mexican box truck)?? Was my landlord neglecting my utilities and trying to freeze me out of house and home? It occurred to me that maybe the boiler wasn’t working in the dreaded dark basement, and maybe I had to flip some valve down there to get the juice flowing. So I bundled myself up and ventured into the back yard with a flashlight.

  
  

  The thing is, you can only get into my basement- a dirt cellar, really- by going around back and yanking open this big metal storm door. I could only haul one side of the door open, and then it wouldn’t stay that way. I was having horrible visions of going down there and then KA-SLAM! being plunged into darkness with only the rumbling of the boiler and the faint, increasing hiss and snarls of some demonic thing creeping. Nobodly would hear my howls or banging or weeping for hours……

  
  

  Maybe I should have brought my phone, too?

  
  

  So I stood there at the gaping black maw, peering into the void, certain that there was some shadowy mutant-entity lying in wait just beyond the ring of foreign light, thinking evil predatory thoughts. Not to mention spiders.

  
  

  Oh, and the stairs are really rickety, and not exactly securely attached to the mouldery dungeon-esque walls.

  
  

  And spiders. Did I say that already? Big furry black ones, with evil, twinkling beady eyes, gnashing their venomous mandibles.

  
  

  So I went back inside. I am a big fat chicken, yes. I put on another sweater, and made some hot cocoa, and attempted to steal some more warmth from the afore-mentioned cranky rodent.  In desperation I burrowed under some blankets, and contemplated seeking sanctuary up the street  in CVS for a few hours. I could read bad greeting cards for a while, maybe, and buy some cotton swabs or hair gel, or just walk around in circles. Then when that got dull, I could call someone. Someone warm. Yeah.

  
  

  I got up and took one last look at the thermostat. I wiggled the knob some more. I climbed on a chair and tried to pull the cover off. Then I noticed this little teensy brass lever underneath. Hmm.

  
  

  It had a little, witty-bitty arrow on it, and little, weenie itty bitty letters inscribed on it which said,

  
  

  “OFF”. 

  
  

  Apparently so. Quite amazing, actually.

  
  

  Now I am warm. Ahh.

  • 1:26 pm
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