October 8, 2003
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Self Loathing (or, berating myself for being a dumbass)
I woke up this morning feeling generally sad and inept. I hate doing things half assed, and the past few days have been like a marathon where half my bum is on fire and my shoelaces are tied together.
What??
I mean, okay, I was supposed to go to the doctor to get my schiznit handled. In August I had schlepped all the way out to my hometown to the clinic to get poked and prodded, and then told them to arrange things for me in October. So october arrived, and i didn’t hear a peep from them. Granted, I could be a responsible dooby and keep my stuff organizized, but i didn’t think of it. So i didn’t call the hospital, the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, and a whole bunch of other people, and arrange for a pre-operation “interview”, which means i couldn’t go in for surgery, either. I’ve never had surgery before, I don’t know how this falderal works!! I have to fill out what forms? Call who?? Argh!!
And I’d already withheld two days of fingerpaint glory, and taken time off from school.
So nobody called my surgeon to tell her I was AWOL either, and when i called on Monday to reschedule, I got a royal earful from all those concerned. Well fine, f#%k you too, I didn’t want you messin’ with me anyway. Jerks.
But I felt bad, like some stupid irresponsible little girl.
So i bummed around for a few days, wallowing in my little puddle of self-loathing, snarling to myself about my general ineptitude. Like how I’m never at home to do chores. And I owe people money. And I ought to make more posters for the art room like i said I would. And I never chill out with my friends, or call people back. And I haven’t bought groceries in weeks. And i never make artwork. Or see my family. Or talk to Bryon when he asks what I’m thinking, with that cute furrowy disconcerted look in his eyes.
Sigh.
Heh heh, maybe I should make my blog all black with an illegible font and goth the whole shebang out with blurry photographs and endless paragraphs about how “…nobody loves me and everything is so fricking bleak, woe, woe” and some baaaad poetry about getting dumped and loop an Evanescence song clip over and over just to be all doomed and angsty.
Nah, but I already feel better about myself.
