July 30, 2003

• Room for Rent.

  
  

  I posted this on Craigslist today…..

  
  

  “My apartment is beautiful, but I need a new roommate! The available room is bright and sunny in a 2 BR apartment with big windows, hardwood floors, and high ceilings, all newly renovated. Washer/dryer in unit, dishwasher & disposal in new, open kitchen (I love to cook), across the street from a park, cute neighborhood, private courtyard, parking in rear, 5 min walk to Orange line and #39 bus. I am a 24-year old art teacher, neat and responsible, seeking someone who is creative, likes animals (I have a fish and a guinea pig), and is respectful of one anothers’ space (but into hanging out sometimes). Utilities are not included, ie gas& electric, phone, broadband cable. Deposit 1 mo’s rent, option to sign lease.”

  
  

  the first reply i got:

  
  

  ” I have seen your ad, and I’m looking for an apartment right near where you live!  I’m 23, violently suave, and looking for a hot sexy roommate to make me food and clean my feet.  Roommate, or maid… whichever.  But you have to pay for me to live with you, I don’t want any tacky rent bills.  Only checks, blue ones with dolphins on them.  Brought to me on a plate, along with a wafer thin mint, so that I can find the meager amount of money you give to me palatable.

  
  

    Be forewarned – I shower in the nude, so you must know that it is possible that  you may glimpse the body of God if you were to ever have to pee really badly while I am showering.  I do not look down upon this – but you must make up for your lack of tact by bringing me another check.  And a wafer thin mint.  But only after I have retired into an item from my new line of satin loungewear.

  
  

   

  
  

     Sincerely,

  
  

   

  
  

        Nico Suave”

  
  

   

  
  

  This afternoon I think I will go to the grocery store and buy a whole box of wafer thin mints.

  • 3:27 pm
  • 1 Comment