Jezebel
When i was sixteen i got caught kissing my highschool sweetheart by my locker after school. Someone called my mom to rat me out and told her i was slutting around (it was one kiss!?!), and i guess someone else prank called my house one night in a random act of delinquency. These circumstances lead my mother to freak out at me, declare that i was absolutely not allowed to have sex (EVER?), and unreasonably lecture me about my "terrible reputation". I went to school the next day pariah-style with my head hung low, paranoid that everyone thought i was a slut. I avoided my boyfriend for two weeks, and felt like crap.
After a lot of deep angsty thought and time hiding out in the art room, I remember telling Nick that i wasn't sure I believed love was about seeking out one perfect soulmate to be with forever. It's a lofty aspiration, but i didn't feel like love had to be about an end result like that. He told me that if i that's what i thought, then i must not be the person he thought i was. Which was disappointing for me, because i had hoped more than anything he would understand what i meant.
I really don't think i feel the same way about it that most people do. I've been in love a whole lot, and it is different every time. There is no lesser or greater version of love; i value the ongoing heartache that came with Sean leaving me after a grafitti-soaked summer together on equal ground as the seven-year unconditional devotion I still have for my first boyfriend. I fall in love with people really easily, but rather than believe that is a weakness or naivete, i think it is actually a statement of strength. And most of the time I'm the one who ends up lovelorn and broken-hearted. I always recover, and try to learn from it. And if rumor gets around of my wanton ways (apparently my friends think I'm a man-eater), then I just have to accept that i am not understood, and laugh about being called a raving jezebel. But i know that I give myself wholeheartedly every time to each experience, fully and fearlessly, because i think that life is about loving people the best that you can while they're with you. Every single one soothes my soul in some way; so how is it possible for me to only have one soulmate? I am not seeking perfection; and if that means rumor gets around and my mom gets pissed, then too bad. It's not my loss.
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